When the first donor conceived children were born a few decades ago parents were routinely encouraged not to tell them about their biological identity. The argument seemed to be that “What you don’t know won’t hurt you”. Why risk rejection by family and friends? Why risk potential rejection by your child?
The experience of donor conceived children born at that time suggests, however, that keeping secrets can be potentially damaging. The law has now been changed to ensure that every donor conceived child has the right to know their biological identity.
Today, some donor conceived children argue that to withhold information about one’s biological identity is a form of deception and a failure to respect the rights of individual human beings. Elspeth is a donor conceived child who suffered the trauma of discovering her biological identity at the age of 21.
“Looking in the mirror was strange. I felt like I wasn’t the same person. Suddenly, everything looked different and there was a new angle to look at myself with. It felt like there was something or someone else looking out of my eyes back at me. It was like something had shifted.” (DC Network, 2009, p2)
Many parents of donor conceived children have talked about how keeping secrets within the family becomes increasingly difficult as time goes by.
We thought we were going to keep the family secret, but we had both been feeling increasingly uncomfortable with basing our family around a secret. It just felt wrong….it felt a lot like sitting on a time bomb, waiting for it to go off (Lorbach,2003, p116).
Parents often become anxious about being “found out”. How many of their family and friends already know? Can all of them be relied upon to keep the secret? Will genetic testing become a routine procedure in the future leading to accidental disclosure?
There is evidence to suggest that children who are told about their origins from an early age are able to accept the facts very easily and to develop a normal, loving relationship with their parents.
To find out more about the experiences of donor conceived children and their parents check out- www.dcnetwork.org and “Experiences of Donor Conception”, Caroline Lorbach, 2003