What is Resilience?
Resilience is our ability to bounce back when things go wrong or bad stuff happens. It is not something we have or don’t have; we have to build it throughout our lives.
Why is it important?
We cannot always prevent bad things from happening, but by building our children’s resilience we can help them deal with life’s knocks and continue to thrive.
People who respond to difficulties with resilience are;
- Healthier and live longer
- Happier in their relationships
- More successful in school and work
- Less likely to get depressed
How can we build children’s resilience?
1. Positive Relationships
A child’s greatest resource is a safe, resilient, loving adult – us! Smiles and hugs make children feel secure, loved and accepted. Listening to them lets them know they are important. Comforting them lets them know they are not alone when they are feeling frightened, sad or angry.
The more connections our children have with people who care about them the better. Remind them about people in their fan club; ‘I told Auntie Sarah how brave you were today. She’s so proud of you.’
2. Modelling Resilience and Positivity
Children learn through imitating people around them. We need to show them what positive, respectful relationships look like. Let them know that sometimes we feel a bit sad or disappointed about something; its normal to feel things like that, but that we’ll be ok. We can be positive role models for children by taking responsibility for our own feelings and actions in front of them; ‘I’m sorry I made a mistake, but I’m going to make up for it by….’
Looking for positives in life is one of the most important strengths for building resilience. At dinner or bedtime, try sharing stories about the positives of the day.
Reframing is the ability to think about something in a different way, which can help it seem less upsetting or threatening. Children’s brains are designed to think in very ‘black and white’ ways, so we can help them by introducing them to new ways of thinking. ‘It was rainy outside so we couldn’t go to the park. So we had an indoor picnic with your teddy bears instead. We didn’t let the rain stop our fun!’
3. Self-care
When we feel safe and supported we can take better care of our children. Being a parent isn’t easy and everyone needs help sometimes! If we are feeling tired, overwhelmed or stressed, it is more difficult to understand what our children need and why they are behaving in a certain way.
Taking time to look after ourselves is not being a ‘bad’ parent, it is allowing us to model the resilience that we want to encourage in our children. Reaching out for support is a sign of strength and mental health and teaches children it’s ok to ask for help.
4. Emotions and Empathy
Before developing the skills to control their feelings and behaviours, children first need to learn what those feelings are, and the thoughts that cause them. To begin with, we may need to label what the child is feeling for them; ‘I can see that you are feeling scared’. For younger children or children with language difficulties, emotions charts with pictures can be helpful. Questions like ‘what are you saying to yourself inside your head?’ or ‘what is your head telling you?’ can help them express their thoughts.
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. Children learn to think about other people’s feelings when we show them we understand how they feel. This is easier to do if a child is feeling hurt or sad. But it is also helpful in challenging behaviour; when we acknowledge the feelings behind the ‘bad’ behaviour, children feel understood and more willing to accept the consequences.
‘I can see that you were feeling very cross when Johnny snatched your toy. It is ok to feel angry sometimes, but it is not ok to hit. How do you think Johnny felt when you hit him?’
It is tempting to reassure children by saying ‘there’s nothing to be scared of’ or ‘you don’t need to worry’,but this can make them think they shouldn’t feel that way. Instead try ‘It’s ok to feel scared or worried. Let’s think about what might help you feel less worried….’
Another idea which encourages empathy, positivity and self-confidence is to finish the day by asking children to give one example of something they did that was kind, something they did that was brave, and one thing they are grateful for. Try writing them down and displaying them for everyone to see. Children will soon start to look out for these opportunities during the day so that they can tell you about them!
Learning patience is an important step in learning how to control feelings and behaviours, and it takes practice. We can help children practice waiting, for example by looking forward to an event at the end of the week, or activities like baking (having to wait until the cakes are cooked is not easy!). Giving children responsibility for small things such as daily chores and encouraging them to join in with activities such as grocery shopping, makes them less likely to misbehave due to boredom or to gain attention, helps build self-control, and increases self-confidence.
5. Healthy Lifestyle
A healthy diet, good sleep and plenty of exercise help to re-set our body’s levels of stress hormones. This means that if a stressful event does occur, our bodies are more able to manage it and keep our feelings under control. It is important that screen time does not interfere with sleep, eating, physical activity or family time; in particular, screens should be turned off at least an hour before bedtime.
6. Routines and Boundaries
Children’s brains are still developing and aren’t capable of complicated thoughts. Making their world more ‘black and white’ makes it more predictable and less confusing, which helps them to feel safe and secure. We can do this through the use of regular routines and implementing clear, consistent boundaries.
Challenging these routines and boundaries can be a normal stage of development. It can be helpful to write down what the important rules for our own families are, which makes it easier to set clear goals; which negative behaviours would we like to reduce and which positive behaviours would we like instead? Young children need very specific instructions about what is expected of them, so asking them to ‘walk along to the shop holding my hand all the way’ is much easier for them to understand than asking them to ‘be good’ or ‘behave’.
7. Mindfulness and Calming Strategies
Yes children can do mindfulness too! Building calming strategies into a child’s everyday routine helps to lower the background levels of stress hormones and helps them develop self-control. It can be introduced at any time when a child is calm to begin with and starting with short bursts; before bed is ideal. Once they are used to using these strategies, we can gradually extend the duration, and eventually encourage children to use them at times when they are feeling upset or worried.
Try these techniques;
- Pretend you are blowing bubbles. ‘I’m going to take a deep breath and blow a big bubble to you. Now you take a deep breath and blow a bubble back to me’
- Get them to pretend to blow up a balloon in their belly; when they take a slow, deep breath in, their belly blows up like a balloon. When they let their breath out, their belly deflates like letting the air out. Getting them to put their hands on their bellies when doing this lets them feel the ‘balloon’ blowing up and deflating. Or do it whilst lying on their backs with a toy on their tummy and watch the toy moving up and down.
- Get your child to take deep breaths and blow into their hands. Hug their knees up tightly to their chest. Push their hands against the wall. Clench their fists tightly, then relax them. Have a hug!
- Ask them to strike a ‘power pose’. For Superman stand with their feet slightly apart, clench fists, stretch arms out and stand as tall as they can. For Superwoman stand up tall and strong, with legs apart and hands on hips.
- Encourage them to use all their senses. Ask them to name 5 things they can see which they haven’t noticed before. Then 4 things they can feel; 3 things they can hear; 2 things they can smell; and lastly 1 thing they can taste (they might need to sip a drink or try a food for this one).
For more ideas try blissfulkids.com, or Smiling Minds (a free, easy to use app with guided meditations for children aged 7 years and over).
8. Play
Playing together is a great way to connect and have fun. It is also a great way for children to develop physical, imaginative and social skills. Creative play, memory games and board games strengthen areas of the brain responsible for managing feelings and behaviour, and help children develop problem-solving skills.
Trying to reduce screen time and playing together instead offers many potential benefits to both physical and emotional wellbeing. If children are reluctant to give up their devices, try having a set time each day when the whole family turn screens off and do an activity together; over mealtimes is an ideal opportunity.
9. Facing Fear and Taking Risks
There are times when we have to jump in and protect children from harm, but always rushing to their rescue tells them we don’t think they can deal with the problem on their own. Encouraging children to take safe, considered risks appropriate for their age lets them learn their limits and teaches them they can cope when things go wrong.
Facing our fears helps us feel powerful and strong. Avoiding our fears or facing them head-on are not the only options; supporting children to move towards their fears gently and safely builds self-confidence. Let children know that the courage they show in trying something difficult is more important than the outcome.
10. Problem-solving
We can help build children’s problem-solving toolbox by helping them to put their feelings or thoughts into words and then encouraging them to come up with their own solutions, rather than solving their problems for them. Start by acknowledging or labelling the feeling, difficulty or worry, then ask ‘What do you think might help?, ‘What has worked before?’, ‘What do you think [someone they look up to] might do?’